


Snow Day

by Wierdowithagun



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Drabble, Friendship, Gen, POV First Person, Platonic Love, Swearing, mock violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-05
Updated: 2014-06-05
Packaged: 2018-02-03 13:30:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1746413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wierdowithagun/pseuds/Wierdowithagun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hidan explains his hatred of snow, Itachi helps fuel his hate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Snow Day

I fucking hate snow.

Everyone hates snow. Those who say they don't are stupid fucks.

The way it crunches even though it's soft enough to suck your entire leg into it and soak you right through to your bones. The way the cold seeps into your lungs and stings like it's freezing you from inside out.

_Especially_  the way all my retard friends keep telling me not to wander off alone or I might get lost forever. I'm not fucking albino! I just don't tan easily, and it's not like a fucking emo, a human doll, a terrorist, a mutant shark freak, and a damn walking voodoo doll have room to make fun of me, I'm the most normal out of these wierdos.

Anyways, I go outside and hear that shit crunch crunch crunching beneath my cheap boots that don't even keep my feet warm that I'm stuck with because Kakuzu is a cheap dick, and I think to myself, How can people worship a God that creates such complete shit?

So I pick up this fucking shovel and start scooping the shitty snow up out of the way so we don't have to swim to reach our cars, and just as a big giant thank you to that old fucker inside, I put a few big piles of the crap behind all his wheels. See, he always takes the driveway, he says, "I pay for the house, the driveway is mine, therefore I park here, and you get the street. You'd probably drive straight through the garage anyway."

And he's right, I fucking would, the thing he's wrong about is assuming that I'd do it on accident.

Anyway, back to this abomination of nature.

I'm cold, I'm fucking wet because the sun decided to come out just as I left the house. My lungs are burning from the physical effort of heaving this unrealistically heavy fluff up off the sidewalk. I want a damn cigarette, but Kakuzu took them away until I finish. He's such a dick.

So I pull my cheap ass jacket that admittedly would probably keep me warmer if I wore a shirt underneath tighter around me, and keep right on going, at least until I step on a random fucking patch of ice hidden underneath the snow. Suddenly my feet are making a quick trip up where my head was and I'm seeing stars. There's another thing I hate, the fucking ice. Like really? On top of this ugly, sparkley glittery bullshit you're gonna hide this deadly, hard, even fucking more cold slippery shit underneath it.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe this christian God people talk about is even more violent than Jashin, but then I realize that's heathen talk right there, and I stab myself through the heart as punishment.

Seriously though, just this winter, I witnessed 3 car crashes. Well... not so much witnessed as caused... But still. This crap is just bullshit, completely and utterly.

Man, keep getting distracted.

Anyway, as I stare up at the sky waiting for my lungs to reinflate, or for me to die momentarily from lack of oxygen, I see the damn older uchiha walk up and stand over me. And I can tell he's trying as hard as he can not to smile at situation.

"I saw that pathetic display from all the way down the street." He says as emotionless as he can. He's over-compensating, I thought, because I bet he laughed out loud when he saw it. I couldn't say anything though, still didn't have functioning lungs, it was starting to hurt so good, but of course the presence of this asshole that was probably my closest friend kept me from fully enjoying it. I just tried to glare at him.

He just stands there looking down at me, smirking but not smirking, waiting for me to reply. Fucking annoying asshole. By all means, don't fucking help or anything.

So I try to say something, all that comes out sounds like the whimper of a scared kitten, and the corner of his lips twitch.

"Are you going to die again? I'm not going to wait out here in this weather for you to come-to." He looked around blankley as he spoke, as if something worth his wihle would reveal itself. It wouldn't, because nothing was good enough for this princess.

"Help. me. Shitstain." I grunted, with great effort I might add. As if he cared though, he just stared at me and clicked his tounge.

"You got yourself into this, help yourself, Oh great deciple of Jashin."

"I... will murder you."

"Mmhmm. You say that quite often, yet here I am." He stared at me for a few more minutes, laughing like a crazy man with just his taunting eyes. Then pulled his foot back like a spring and gave me a good swift kick in the lungs.

The air came back with a great big whoosh and then left again as I unleashed a long chain of curseing.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?! You just go around kicking injured people to watch them squirm!?"

"I thought someone like you would approve of such things."

it took me a few minutes to get up to my feet, not because I was in pain, but because the ice was slippery and I was trying to do it hastily so I could kick his ass. I just ended up looking like more of a shithead, I admit, but anything I did was inferior to this bastard. If you asked him he probably could have stood up and done a backflip while making tea on the first try.

When I finally managed to stay upright, a few careful shakey steps got me off the frozen bullshit and onto the stupid but immesurabley less irritating snow. He took a single step back to make room as I stepped off, and regarded me with those damn unreadable eyes.

"If you want my dick you'll have to go find it, pervert. It fell off somewhere out in the snow."

After that sentence I heard one of the rarest but most amazing sounds in the universe, it made a smile rip it's way across my frozen face just hearing it.

Itachi snorted. The kind of small, awkward little snort that happens when you try a little too hard not to laugh. I had my back turned when he did it, brishing the snow from my fall off, so unfortunatly I didn't get to see the priceless expression as it happened. I rarely ever did, but the couple times I got to witness it, it was just about the fucking funniest thing I'd ever seen in my life. It was also just about the only thing that obviously embarrassed him, every other emotion was hiddin behind that cloak of shitty perfection.

"I heard that."

"I don't know what you're talking about, dickless."

"Gotta kick outta that huh?"

"Shut up Hidan, I want some hot chocolate." He started crunching up toward the front door. I just snickered behind him and crouched down to grab a chunk of snow. Now that he'd laughed at my joke, He would get pissed off even easier. That was always the highlight of my day, seeing how many emotions I could expose in the walking statue.

"You wear too much fucking black Uchiha, lemme fix that up for you."

The snowballs had just left my hand when, in the span of one second, he whirled around, eyes blazing red, and disintegrated into a mass of crows. The snow hunk flew past it's original target point and smacked hard against the window. I stared for a moment, my throat tightening up, just waiting for the inevitable crack of glass that my terrible luck was sure to bring. Then Kakuzu would come storming out, rip me into portions, and bury me out in the snow for minutes or hours or days... It was hard to tell.

I hated being buried, it was literally the only thing that scared me, I'll even fucking admit it, I don't care.

But, it didn't crack, thank the sweet and gracious Lord Jashin. However, I didn't find this out until later, seeing as almost as soon as the snowballs hit that window, I had a total of 3 seconds before my legs were pulled from under me and my arm was twisted behind me. Next thing I knew I was face down in the snow, practically drowning, with a familiar weight on my back that always seemed too light for a human being.

"You have two choices, apologize, and go make me my drink immediatly, or be frozen forever in my mangekyo sharingan and be turned into a snowman I will be sure to preserve until every other bit of snow has gone and melted away."

"Why you always gotta be so kinky red-eyes?" I struggled to say through the face full of frozen bullshit. He always assumed that I was completley ignorant as to how to un-pin myself. And most of the time I let him beleive it for the sake of moments like this.

That girly little chunk of man didn't know I'm more flexible than I look.

I arched my back and grabbed hold of his scarf with my free hand, yanking his head down and bringing the back of mine up until they collided. This loosened his grip enough for me to tear my remaining arm out of his grasp and push myself up with enough force to buck him off. Of course he didn't fall, he did some slippery bullshit trick and landed on his feet.

He glared the glare of death at me, wiping a small trickle of blood from his nose.

"I'm going to kill you for that."

I laughed, "You'll have to catch me first-ACK!" The asshole nailed me with a slushball before I could even finish my sentence. That shit stung, because it was half melted. It was also rude, all I had done was throw a snowball at him, over-reacting son of a bitch. If I had my scythe...

Instead I swung the previously discarded snow shovel at him, It was less aerodymanic and wouldn't cause much physical harm, but it was all I had. Any one watching us would probably think we're fucking lunatics, if this is how best friends get along then they'd hate to see our enemies, that type of shit.

Obviously he dodged my swing with great ease, I just kept at him, eventually he leaped backward to the single tree in our hard and pushed himself off the trunk and delivered a roundhouse right to the side of my face that sent me cartwheeling into the back of Kakuzu's truck. That fucking hurt, like a lot, and I would have retaliated full fury if I didn't hear a sound even more wonderful that his snort.

It was an actual laugh, and it kept going.

I pulled myself painfully to a sitting position and gawked like a horny asian schoolgirl at him. He was doubled over and everything.

"Your... your face!" Another round of laughter burst from him.

I was both mesmerized and terrified, I'd never heard such a thing come from this person. I glanced around us, trying to spot the real Itachi secretly directing this clone to distract me while he snuck up from behind and ripped my head off. But there was nothing, he was  _actually laughing_.

"And the way you spun like that! HAH!" He could hardly talk in between laughing fits.

"You looked like a ragdoll!"

As he explained it, I started imagining it myself, and my lips peeled back as I first smiled, and then laughed out loud at the image. It was hilarious, almost cartooney in nature. By the time he finally was able to compose himself, I was sitting there laughing like a maniac. My abs were cramping, and my ribs kept making sick popping noises that send out sharp jabs of pain. I'm pretty sure a couple of them were broken.

Itachi was back to normal, looking at me as if what I had witnessed had never happened, and I as a raving lunatic.

"Kakuzu is going to be very unhappy about what you did to his truck." He stated plainly.

My laughter died mid-gasp. Oh fuck..

I scrambled up over beside Itachi and stared at the dented tailgate. It was amazing how a bag of soft flesh and bones could do such damage to something as strong and resilient as a bigass truck. Then what he said registered with me.

"What  _I_  did!? What the fuck dude you're the one who kicked me into it!"

"You shouldn't have instigated."

"You sack of shit, if you throw a rock and it breaks a window, do you blame the rock?"

"It doesn't matter Hidan, you know you're getting the blame either way, Kakuzu loves me."

"Why don't you take him out of a fucking candlelit dinner then?! Show him a good time and get him to fucking loosen up."

"Because you'd act like a jealous little kid and I'm not into old men."

Luckily enough for me the last thing he expected right now was a hard shove, and he finally fell down into the snow. He glared up at me, not bothering to get up. "Do you have a death wish or something?"

"Go tell him it was your fault."

"You are acting like a damn 6 year old, why are you so afraid of him? You're immortal." He got up and tentatively brushed the snow off his slightly expensive looking knee-length coat.

"That's the worst part! His asshol-ery knows no bounds 'Tachi! I think torturing me gets him hard or some shit!"

"I think anyone would enjoy torturing you."

"Just shut up! At least help me make it look like someone crashed into him or something!"

He sighed, which I took as a reluctant 'okay', and immediatly took off to find a drunk driver. They weren't that hard to find in this neighborhood.

I find out after I go to all that trouble that while I was out trying to spare my life, (speaking figurativley of course.) the fucking asshole went inside, fixed himself a cup of hot chocolate, and informed Kakuzu of what happened and what I was currently doing.

Later that night, Kakuzu relayed a message to me that he'd forgotten to before ripping both my arms off and hiding them Jashin-knows-where.

He said, "Oh, I forgot, Itachi instructed me to tell you 'That's for making me laugh, twice, fucking albino.' "

I fucking hate snow.

 


End file.
